Over the past few weeks I've read several blogs about life, friendships, marriages etc... Some made me laugh and some made me tear up. That's the point of blogs right? For our own opinions and thoughts right? I am not here to judge anyone in their opinions but with reading several I needed to give my opinion on several things. I am not here to offend anyone these are just my thoughts an opinions.
Friendships~
This may open up a can of worms. Over the past few years I have lost several people that I considered my true friends. Over lack of communication, jealousy, false accusations etc. I mean really we are grown ups right? If there are issues with your friends why not talk about it? If you are a true friend you will discuss things. Not face book or be a coward and text. I came to the realization that those people that made it so easy to stop being my friend really were never my true friends. I recently was confronted about something that I would never had imagined a best friend would have considered but she did. This person ended up being one of the most insecure, selfish, jealous persons that I have ever met. She not only looked like a fool in the end but really showed me her true colors. To be honest I do not have time for that mess! I need people in my life that are going to support me and cheer me on. Support me and my ocd and weird way of doing things. People that are going to be true friends. I no longer NEED or WANT fake people in my life. PERIOD
Kids vs not having kids~
Ok ladies here it goes. STOP and think about it before you say " she just doesn't understand because she doesn't have kids" Lets see... DUH Big red truck. I don't have kids but that is of no choice of my own. Do I get to do things that my friends with kids can't. Sure but that doesn't mean that I don't know what its like. I would love to know what its like to get up in the middle of the night with kids, to have to clean up throw up , to not take a shower for days from being so busy. That being said does that give you the right to throw that in peoples face? NO... Get organized, ask for help, take us non children people up when they want to help you with your kids or your house. Its not hand outs its called being a friend and wanting to help out. No one MADE you have child. Its your choice. If you want to go out get a sitter, save money and pay one or ask friends or grandparents. Have an adult night and get out. Ok you don't have the money then put your child to bed early pop in a movie and just sit and watch one. The dishes and laundry can wait. Some people just assume that those of us without kids are clueless... well I have news for you I am the most open minded person and considerate person when it comes to my friends kids and wanting to always include them. I always take their financial situation in consideration before asking them to do things. If I know its been a tight week for them I usually offer to have game night and make dinner at my house. So again before people start running their trap about non-moms think before you speak. Or better yet maybe you should reconsider your friendships.
Life~
This is such a huge topic and probably do not have enough time to write about it. I just want to say a few things. One its YOUR life. You make it what it is. Does life suck sometimes? hell yeah it does. Trust me I have had the worst hand dealt to me in certain areas of my life. We have NO control over whats going to happen, but we have a choice in how you will react. Life does not have to be so bad people. Sometimes I want to scream. I want to yell and ask God WHY!! Its not for me to know. I am a control freak and I want to make sure I can control whatever I can, but I also know the God has this. That I just need to relax and realize He is the master and I just have to have faith. Stop trying to control everyone and everything. It is what it is. Life goes on rather we want it to or not. Why not make the most of it. Love hard , work hard and play harder. Remember you only get one life here on earth. I pray that when I look back I have made the most of life.
Marriage~
Lets be real people.... marriage is not all hearts and flowers. Its not always a fairy tale. Just like anything in life it takes trust, communication, love, loyalty, hard work, prayer, understanding, love and sometimes a good argument every now and then. Wait that just be Neal and I lol. I am serious people just like any relationship you have to work at it. After almost 14 years together and going on10 years of marriage I still have not and will not ever master marriage. Its had its ups and downs but we pray a lot and ask God to help us. Help us love more and think of each other more than our own self. One thing in our marriage that we are proud of is we laugh. We make each other laugh, pick and kid with each other. We do not get along all the time. A marriage that appears to be so perfect ... well lets just say " we do not know what happens behind closed doors" One thing is talk... do not hold it in. If something bothers you discuss it. You get absolutely no where with staying quite. That being said sometimes it is better to not say anything without thinking first. Neither a wife or a husband needs to be a door mat. That causes nothing but resentment. I could go on and on!!
Ok those are just a few of MY opinions... hope I do not step on any toes and remember its your life.. do what you want as long as your happy... AND remember you only answer to God and yourself...
with love
~E
Monday, August 12, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
A FreSH StaRT!
Well its been a while...
I have had a hard time figuring out what to write about. Since my grammar practically sucks I just kinda write whatever is on my heart. Today I wanted to explain why I changed the name of my blog. My previous blog was a blog about our journey to becoming parents. To me becoming a mother. Through my fertility struggle , cancer , hysterectomy and life in general. It was positive some and then there were some that to this day make me tear up. I was talking to my sweet friend Lesley and she mentioned that I needed a new name for my blog. A fresh name. Since things in my life have gotten a fresh start. I did not think about it much but the more I read my blog the more I realized it was true. I needed something fresh. Up beat and well like me ...NEW!
The past two years I have devoted lots of time to myself, personal life, our home, marriage and life in general. I have became a better person inside and out. After my hysterectomy I had to make some life changing decisions. For my mental and physical well being. I had to make changes in order to better myself and the life that God has given me. We all know that I started working on my health . Eating better, exercising more, and becoming a better me. Neal and I both started fresh. A new start. No turning our backs we hit the road and hit it hard.
Throughout the past year we have jumped over some hurdles. Which if you are human that's going to happen. Last April we had finally found a home that we wanted to call our forever home and we LOVED it. Little did we know the people that owned it had other plans in mind. We only lived there 6 months before they asked us to move out because they were foreclosing on their home. Which lead us to finding our home now. We LOVE this home. Funny thing is its 6 houses up from the other one and practically throwing distance to where Neal's business is. So of course God worked it all out and we have made that house a home. We are slowly making it into the home we want to be in for a while. I am not sure if it will be forever, but for right now its ours.
Still through all that we still continued on our way to healthier us! So that leads to my new fresh start for my blog. So my friend Jessica started Beach body a while back and you know me I am all about health and making good choices but I love to eat! I was like yeah I am not going to be drinking a shake as one of my meals and killing myself with home workouts. blah blah blah... She then decided to be a Beach Body Coach. Which is a fabulous program now that I am in it I know that. So I went to her house for a taste testing of this "shake" called shakeology. I didn't want to replace my food. I was so concerned with that. However we did taste testings and watched a few videos about the workouts and the shakeology. I was skeptical. I really was. I have tried other products and well... this stuff was the BOMB!! I prayed about it for a few days before making the choice to become a Beach Body Coach. The good thing about this product is the creators of shakeology are also the creators or many different workouts such as, hip hop abs, insanity, p90x etc... you just incorporate shakeology in your daily life as well as one of the programs or several if you want. Neal and I decided to do the Insanity with Shaun T... he is AMAZING!!!
It took about a week to receive my beach body coach kit along with my shakeology. Neal and I couldn't wait to start insanity! We were pumped!!! I tried ordering twice from amazon and always ended up getting my money back cause I never got them. It was something that I have wanted to do and like Shaun T says... people that usually want to end up figuring a way to. Well we got it and started our 60 day challenge . The first day was the fit test. Ummmm lets just say no matter how much weight I had lost or how many times we worked out at the gym. Nothing could prepare you for this. The fit test were 8 different exercises for a certain length of time. You had to count how many you could do and push through. Well we pretty much sucked. However by the end of the fit test we were dripping sweat and exhausted. We knew right then we had a ton of work to do. The next day we were kinda sore. We were mentally preparing our self for what Shaun T had in store for us for day 2. Well just put it this way I couldn't even get off the couch that night . I had to literally roll off the couch. We pushed through the first week. And now we are almost done with week 2. I have to say I am so proud of us. I can actually move today without grunting which is huge. Its gonna take time but the biggest thing is to push through. Focus and remember form. Form over speed. I like to be like speedy Gonzales and keep up. The fact of the matter is that I cant. I may not ever be able to keep up with the people on the screen but I am doing it. Neal and I are pushing each other and cheering each other on. That's what counts right? Neal is actually going to the gym in the morning with Jerry then doing insanity with me at night. He just might be a tad more insane than I am.
All in all we are getting stronger and I can tell. Its not only the Shakes which are fabulous. We are having to watch what we put in our mouths. My calorie intake is so much more than I am used to however my workouts are way more intense than you can imagine. It really is 60% eating and 40% workouts. I am so looking forward to results and healthier us! We have vacations, weddings, parties etc coming up but with both of us are focused on our results and how far we have came we can do this. I am so excited! Probably as excited about this as I am finishing it. However we are enjoying day by day.
Sorry about my grammar and my spelling . I was not an English major... just remember :) Until next time
~ Liz
http://beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/Littlebit4969
I have had a hard time figuring out what to write about. Since my grammar practically sucks I just kinda write whatever is on my heart. Today I wanted to explain why I changed the name of my blog. My previous blog was a blog about our journey to becoming parents. To me becoming a mother. Through my fertility struggle , cancer , hysterectomy and life in general. It was positive some and then there were some that to this day make me tear up. I was talking to my sweet friend Lesley and she mentioned that I needed a new name for my blog. A fresh name. Since things in my life have gotten a fresh start. I did not think about it much but the more I read my blog the more I realized it was true. I needed something fresh. Up beat and well like me ...NEW!
The past two years I have devoted lots of time to myself, personal life, our home, marriage and life in general. I have became a better person inside and out. After my hysterectomy I had to make some life changing decisions. For my mental and physical well being. I had to make changes in order to better myself and the life that God has given me. We all know that I started working on my health . Eating better, exercising more, and becoming a better me. Neal and I both started fresh. A new start. No turning our backs we hit the road and hit it hard.
Throughout the past year we have jumped over some hurdles. Which if you are human that's going to happen. Last April we had finally found a home that we wanted to call our forever home and we LOVED it. Little did we know the people that owned it had other plans in mind. We only lived there 6 months before they asked us to move out because they were foreclosing on their home. Which lead us to finding our home now. We LOVE this home. Funny thing is its 6 houses up from the other one and practically throwing distance to where Neal's business is. So of course God worked it all out and we have made that house a home. We are slowly making it into the home we want to be in for a while. I am not sure if it will be forever, but for right now its ours.
Still through all that we still continued on our way to healthier us! So that leads to my new fresh start for my blog. So my friend Jessica started Beach body a while back and you know me I am all about health and making good choices but I love to eat! I was like yeah I am not going to be drinking a shake as one of my meals and killing myself with home workouts. blah blah blah... She then decided to be a Beach Body Coach. Which is a fabulous program now that I am in it I know that. So I went to her house for a taste testing of this "shake" called shakeology. I didn't want to replace my food. I was so concerned with that. However we did taste testings and watched a few videos about the workouts and the shakeology. I was skeptical. I really was. I have tried other products and well... this stuff was the BOMB!! I prayed about it for a few days before making the choice to become a Beach Body Coach. The good thing about this product is the creators of shakeology are also the creators or many different workouts such as, hip hop abs, insanity, p90x etc... you just incorporate shakeology in your daily life as well as one of the programs or several if you want. Neal and I decided to do the Insanity with Shaun T... he is AMAZING!!!
It took about a week to receive my beach body coach kit along with my shakeology. Neal and I couldn't wait to start insanity! We were pumped!!! I tried ordering twice from amazon and always ended up getting my money back cause I never got them. It was something that I have wanted to do and like Shaun T says... people that usually want to end up figuring a way to. Well we got it and started our 60 day challenge . The first day was the fit test. Ummmm lets just say no matter how much weight I had lost or how many times we worked out at the gym. Nothing could prepare you for this. The fit test were 8 different exercises for a certain length of time. You had to count how many you could do and push through. Well we pretty much sucked. However by the end of the fit test we were dripping sweat and exhausted. We knew right then we had a ton of work to do. The next day we were kinda sore. We were mentally preparing our self for what Shaun T had in store for us for day 2. Well just put it this way I couldn't even get off the couch that night . I had to literally roll off the couch. We pushed through the first week. And now we are almost done with week 2. I have to say I am so proud of us. I can actually move today without grunting which is huge. Its gonna take time but the biggest thing is to push through. Focus and remember form. Form over speed. I like to be like speedy Gonzales and keep up. The fact of the matter is that I cant. I may not ever be able to keep up with the people on the screen but I am doing it. Neal and I are pushing each other and cheering each other on. That's what counts right? Neal is actually going to the gym in the morning with Jerry then doing insanity with me at night. He just might be a tad more insane than I am.
All in all we are getting stronger and I can tell. Its not only the Shakes which are fabulous. We are having to watch what we put in our mouths. My calorie intake is so much more than I am used to however my workouts are way more intense than you can imagine. It really is 60% eating and 40% workouts. I am so looking forward to results and healthier us! We have vacations, weddings, parties etc coming up but with both of us are focused on our results and how far we have came we can do this. I am so excited! Probably as excited about this as I am finishing it. However we are enjoying day by day.
Sorry about my grammar and my spelling . I was not an English major... just remember :) Until next time
~ Liz
http://beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/Littlebit4969
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Long Over Due....
I have been wanting to write a blog for a little while now. I have been trying to put into words the feelings I have been feeling. However lately its been really hard for me. After my surgery which I can NOT believe will be 2 years in a few months I still had the desire to be a mother. Now don't get me wrong. I still love babies and children. I have a special place for all the children in my life. I just wonder if I am meant to be a mother. They say things happen for a reason in life. I find that to be more true now than I ever believed it before.
Its now physically impossible for me to ever carry a child. I will never know that feeling. We still have the chance to have a biological child. We have prayed and prayed about this over the past year and half. At one point we were ready to start the process of a surrogate. Things were just not falling into place. Nothing seem to go as planned so we have backed off from that. Surrogate is very complicated and to find someone to carry our baby is the hardest part. I am a control freak and I really have to pray long and hard about the person we are asking to carry our baby.
We get told all the time " You're not getting any younger" " You're not spring chicken" " The older you get the harder its going to be" Those statements honestly just piss me off. I may not be getting any younger. DUH That is the cycle of life right? I am not a spring Chicken? Well I am no old cow either HA. I know the older I get it may be harder as in physically? I think not. I believe you are as young as you feel. I am in the best shape of my life. I couldn't feel more better than I feel now. I think the older we are the wiser we will be. I know that there are people our age that cant afford to take their children out, pay for college, clothes and do things that I think we will be able to do being "well seasoned parents" Not saying that I wouldn't have LOVED to be a young parent like my parents were. HOWEVER I want to be able to give my kids a chance to do things in life that they might not have had if we would have had a baby when we were younger. Now don't go and get all huffy and puffy about me judging anyone for having kids at a young age. I am simply saying things happen for a reason.
Over the past 6 months Neal and I have had to have some heart to hearts about being parents. We hear all the time " you two will make great parents" "Our kids just love you two" You two are the best aunt and uncle that our kids can have" We LOVE hearing that. There is nothing sweeter than having my sister, family and friends tell us how much their children love us and that they trust us! We have asked our self " Do we want to bring a child into this world?" " Do we want to actually have the responsibilities of being parents" "Do we want children?" Now I know its hard for some of you to imagine me saying those or questioning being a parent. If you think about it someone that has been through what I have and or what Neal and I have been would you blame us? Look at the events that are happening in the world. What are we bringing our children into? I do not live in fear. I just know that there are certain things in life that I know that I can control. Bringing a child into this world and something happening I can not control. Its all in Gods hands I do realize that. N eal and I have a comfortable life. We come and go as we please and we enjoy it. Now if we had a child or children we would adjust to that as well. I just think that for now we are content to where we are. I still am young and we still have a whole future in front of us. Do I think we are being selfish? NO . Do I think that if we were to ask someone to carry our baby for us and bring a child into this world and be unsure that's what we even want now is selfish yes! So many people out there just want children or a child just to have one. Not for the fact that its a blessing and that God picked them to love for that child and unconditionally LOVE that child. I think its selfish for people to have kids to just so their only child wont be alone. That's what cousins, brothers and sisters, friends kids are for. I think that's selfish. I think its irresponsible to have children just "because" that's what society tells you. We should STOP living for what society tells us is right and start doing what is morally right in your mind. If its faith that gets you where you are in life then LIVE IT.
In my crazy life when I have made the choice to do something I always prayed for peace. That God show me a sign and or make things work out the way that God wanted them to because in the end I want His will to be done. All the big decisions in life have worked out. I believe that God wanted them to. I also am a firm believer that if its NOT in Gods will then it will happen on His timing not mine. For us being parents its just not our timing. I am not to say when the time or if the time will ever come. I am just tired of wondering the what ifs. I worried so much during all the times of the fertility battle. I made a vow to myself to live life. Live it to the fullest and be happy! In the end I don't want to look back at everything I missed because I couldn't live life. Life is literally to short.
A month ago 26 lives were taken and those kids and adults will never see tomorrow. They didn't have the choice but still they don't get it. A close friend of mine father passed away at 61 years old. He wont ever get to see his grandson grow up, graduate high school or get married. Another friend of mine son passes away just this morning at the age of 16. Randy will never see his son Ryan graduated high school, attend college, proms, weddings or have grandchild because God called Ryan home so young. These are events that I will never know why? I will never know why God knew these things were going to happen yet they still occurred? Why are there evil people in this world? Why does the devil seem to keep taking away young precious lives? Those questions only God knows the answers. Those are also reason why I will keep praying and asking God to give me that peace. Asking God to let me know if bringing a child into this world is just a selfish want and not what God planned?
I know this blog is kind of spastic. That's just a bunch of stuff going through my mind. I will try to blog more as this year is going to be busy and full of fun events!
With love
~Lizzy
Its now physically impossible for me to ever carry a child. I will never know that feeling. We still have the chance to have a biological child. We have prayed and prayed about this over the past year and half. At one point we were ready to start the process of a surrogate. Things were just not falling into place. Nothing seem to go as planned so we have backed off from that. Surrogate is very complicated and to find someone to carry our baby is the hardest part. I am a control freak and I really have to pray long and hard about the person we are asking to carry our baby.
We get told all the time " You're not getting any younger" " You're not spring chicken" " The older you get the harder its going to be" Those statements honestly just piss me off. I may not be getting any younger. DUH That is the cycle of life right? I am not a spring Chicken? Well I am no old cow either HA. I know the older I get it may be harder as in physically? I think not. I believe you are as young as you feel. I am in the best shape of my life. I couldn't feel more better than I feel now. I think the older we are the wiser we will be. I know that there are people our age that cant afford to take their children out, pay for college, clothes and do things that I think we will be able to do being "well seasoned parents" Not saying that I wouldn't have LOVED to be a young parent like my parents were. HOWEVER I want to be able to give my kids a chance to do things in life that they might not have had if we would have had a baby when we were younger. Now don't go and get all huffy and puffy about me judging anyone for having kids at a young age. I am simply saying things happen for a reason.
Over the past 6 months Neal and I have had to have some heart to hearts about being parents. We hear all the time " you two will make great parents" "Our kids just love you two" You two are the best aunt and uncle that our kids can have" We LOVE hearing that. There is nothing sweeter than having my sister, family and friends tell us how much their children love us and that they trust us! We have asked our self " Do we want to bring a child into this world?" " Do we want to actually have the responsibilities of being parents" "Do we want children?" Now I know its hard for some of you to imagine me saying those or questioning being a parent. If you think about it someone that has been through what I have and or what Neal and I have been would you blame us? Look at the events that are happening in the world. What are we bringing our children into? I do not live in fear. I just know that there are certain things in life that I know that I can control. Bringing a child into this world and something happening I can not control. Its all in Gods hands I do realize that. N eal and I have a comfortable life. We come and go as we please and we enjoy it. Now if we had a child or children we would adjust to that as well. I just think that for now we are content to where we are. I still am young and we still have a whole future in front of us. Do I think we are being selfish? NO . Do I think that if we were to ask someone to carry our baby for us and bring a child into this world and be unsure that's what we even want now is selfish yes! So many people out there just want children or a child just to have one. Not for the fact that its a blessing and that God picked them to love for that child and unconditionally LOVE that child. I think its selfish for people to have kids to just so their only child wont be alone. That's what cousins, brothers and sisters, friends kids are for. I think that's selfish. I think its irresponsible to have children just "because" that's what society tells you. We should STOP living for what society tells us is right and start doing what is morally right in your mind. If its faith that gets you where you are in life then LIVE IT.
In my crazy life when I have made the choice to do something I always prayed for peace. That God show me a sign and or make things work out the way that God wanted them to because in the end I want His will to be done. All the big decisions in life have worked out. I believe that God wanted them to. I also am a firm believer that if its NOT in Gods will then it will happen on His timing not mine. For us being parents its just not our timing. I am not to say when the time or if the time will ever come. I am just tired of wondering the what ifs. I worried so much during all the times of the fertility battle. I made a vow to myself to live life. Live it to the fullest and be happy! In the end I don't want to look back at everything I missed because I couldn't live life. Life is literally to short.
A month ago 26 lives were taken and those kids and adults will never see tomorrow. They didn't have the choice but still they don't get it. A close friend of mine father passed away at 61 years old. He wont ever get to see his grandson grow up, graduate high school or get married. Another friend of mine son passes away just this morning at the age of 16. Randy will never see his son Ryan graduated high school, attend college, proms, weddings or have grandchild because God called Ryan home so young. These are events that I will never know why? I will never know why God knew these things were going to happen yet they still occurred? Why are there evil people in this world? Why does the devil seem to keep taking away young precious lives? Those questions only God knows the answers. Those are also reason why I will keep praying and asking God to give me that peace. Asking God to let me know if bringing a child into this world is just a selfish want and not what God planned?
I know this blog is kind of spastic. That's just a bunch of stuff going through my mind. I will try to blog more as this year is going to be busy and full of fun events!
With love
~Lizzy
Friday, January 13, 2012
I am a work in progress....7months later...
<~~~~~January 2012
Christmas 2010Yesterday morning I was thinking about updating my blog and it just so happened to be the same day my mother suggested I update my blog, write a book, start a magazine, have a talk show lol She cracks me up BUT she does have a valid point . My story could be a motivation for other ladies and men out there.
So the last time I blogged I believe was June 7th 2011... almost two months after my surgery. That by the way CHANGED my life for ever. Not in a bad way in what I like to call A FABULOUS WAY!!!
So after my surgery my mom sent me some photos of some of the pics that she had taken while she was visiting. And needless to say I was flat out disgusted! I could not believe that I had let myself gain as much weight as I had. I knew that I was a bigger girl but everyone always said " Your so pretty" " You carry your weight well" " Your big boned" I laugh now knowing what I know about that statement it makes me chuckle. So I started hitting the gym hot and heavy and just seemed like I was not loosing anything and well maybe that had something to do with the fact that I did not know how to eat and what to eat to work hand in hand with the exercise. So June 21st was the day that I say started " the new me" I decided to go see a dietitian/ nutritionist. I wanted to see what I could do and what I was doing that was wrong. I wanted to look into the surgeries and all to see if I could qualify and see if that would help me loose the 91 lbs that I needed to loose. I was kind of honestly looking for an easy way for me. NOT saying that everyone that chooses that option is taking the easy road and or cheating. I am saying for me I felt the fasted way to get it off was the most dramatic because I felt that I just could not do it. So I met with Dr. Taylor and she did a complete physical. She had already read over my chart which was fabulous. Knew that I had fertility issue, battled weight for about all my life along with having cancer and a hysterectomy all by the age of 29! She was amazed that I was "put together" as I was. She then followed up with saying " What is your goal with me" She made me think long and hard about the real reason why I was there visiting. Was it to be skinny? to look great? To have the confidence that I needed, that I had when I was younger? To fit in smaller pants? To feel more accepted? NO That was not why I was there I was there so that I could be HEALTHY. I could live longer and in turn all those things mentioned above would fall into place. She told me that she did not recommend any dramatic weight loss surgeries that I had the determination I just needed the dedication and motivation. And that only I could determine how well I was going to do. She started me out keeping a journal of everything I ate and to this day almost 7 months later I am keeping one. She also put me on a low calorie diet one I follow now. I am not as strict now but still do the calorie counting. She also put me on whats called Phentermine a weigh loss supplement that basically makes you feel full faster and I tell ya the first month it was great BUT I could NOT sleep I was up til 3 am or so and just was having the hardest time sleeping so I got off that quickly and decided that I was going to have to be dedicated to the gym and my eating.
The first month I lost 16 pounds! I could NOT believe that. After years and years of struggling I was actually loosing weight! So then I gave all the credit to that pill and I said lets see how much I can loose on my own! Well the second month I lost 13 lbs ! For my 30th birthday I was down 29 pounds! Since the beginning of the year my highest weight was 291.8 at the fertility doctors office. So August 21st I weighted in 262lbs and I was on my way to feeling better. I was still pushing through and really just dedicating myself to classes at the YMCA, eating better, walking during lunch and taking the stairs from floor 2-12 every day! I was pushing myself hard because I knew that I could do it. My third appointment around Sept 21st I knew that I had busted it hard and that my numbers would have been great. Even though I was not really seeing a big difference in my clothes I knew the scale was down. I had lost another 9 lbs. 38 total. So I pushed forward and little by little I was making progress. I could start to tell a difference in my clothes, face, and even the way I felt when i was shopping and stuff. The change was happening on the inside not just the outside.
When I started this journey I wanted it to be a complete makeover. I wanted it to effect the inside and the outside. I wanted it to effect my marriage. For Neal and I both to become healthier. I really started to notice the change around Christmas when I had not seen some family members in a while and when my mother came into town. Your momma always is going to support you no matter what. How you look, act, what you wear. People started to notice when I didn't. I had not really noticed clothes because I did not want to go shopping for new clothes and if I did I went to goodwill. I had noticed the sizes going down or if someone gave me clothes I thought I couldn't wear and they fit that's when you feel really good. So around Christmas I knew that I was not doing all that great. It is so hard to eat , drink and exercise around the holidays because there is so much temptation. Neal and I just had to do it literally in moderation and make sure we kept our exercise up.
Well I had my after holiday weigh in last Friday the 6th. Since its coming up on a year that I started the gym Jan 28th and then my year of surgery April 26 . My year for dietitian June 21st , Looking back I am kinda shocked how much for the better I have changed!
I have officially lost 64.2 lbs, went from a size 22-24 to a 14-16 and size 2x shirts to mostly XL and some larges! I have realized that I am allot taller than most I am 5'10.5''! So with me I am going to be considered " larger" but I do not consider myself plus size anymore! I feel fabulous most of the time.
One of these life changing experiences that I would like to take away forever is remembering that it was me that help get into the shape I was in. Even though I had a ton of health issues I could have prevented me from gaining 91 pounds but I decided that I would rather eat, drink and feel happy that way then putting all my energy in what I really needed to which was my health. No matter how much people say that I changed, look better, I still know that I have to be willing to maintain and remember the work that it took to finally get to where I am happy inside and out! Life is so short to be unhappy! Sometime that everyone should learn.
I do NOT want anyone to think that I think their choices to change were right or wrong. I am saying all this about me! And only me because I am the one that has to answer for myself. I have not completed the goals in life that I want to yet. I have however started a journey that I plan to continue until Jesus calls me home. I would like to say that Neal and I have started this journey together and its so much easier when you have someone that wants the same as you which ultimately is to be healthier.
So if you are reading this and want to change and do something then DO IT! Do not let the doctors tell you that you cant. Do not let others tell you its SO HARD and in the end not worth it. Do not let society tell you that THIN is the ONLY way to be because that's NOT TRUE. You decide what you want to do and DO IT... You don't have to eat all organic or all natural foods. You do not have to shop at the most expensive stores. You do not have to try every diet pill that's man made. You can start out changing things like drink more water, take the stairs at work, park away from the doors at stores rather than finding the best spot in the lot. Walk even if its 30 min walk! Any bit helps. I am by far a pro or a dietitian BUT I know what I can do to change and its worked. Eat 100 calorie snacks instead of the bag of chips you want. When you want candy try drinking water to make you feel fuller. There are ways to do things that do not BREAK the bank! I hear that all the time that people can not afford to eat healthy... yes it does cost us about $15 more a week then we were getting and or that someone can not afford the gym. Well when Neal and I first started I had a membership BUT I was at the track that's FREE at the local high school and jogged. I was not fast but I did it ! That's free. There are parks that are free. Get a buddy or ask someone to walk with you make someone your accountability partner. It helps. Keep a food journal. I have been keeping one since June and I love it. I sometimes slack at it but for the most part I keep a log of EVERYTHING that goes in my mouth for the most part. The little things ADD up. You can do it without it costing a fortune and or taking the most drastic out there. NOT SAYING that its not worth it to take those drastic steps because I TOTALLY think that some people REALLY need it that sometimes those little steps just wont work. First you must TRY just give yourself at least 21 days and do it hot and heavy to make it a habit! If then you cant then seek the help that you feel you need. Please anyone reading this do not feel that I am not for the drastic steps I am... It just was NOT for me... I hope and pray that and I feel so confident that I can because I have a fabulous support system and I do not want to be the old "me".
So in a nut shell life is grand! Ups and Downs happen in life and its how you react to them that makes you who you are! I still have to go to my oncologist every 3 months for a scan and so far so good! Work is good and the Catering business is good. Having your own business or helping your husbands business can be a tad stressful at times and can boggle you down but I have to remember that its the outcome that I life. I love immediate gratification so if a party is happy or a client is happy well the stress is TOTALLY worth it...
I would like to end with this. Thank you to everyone that has supported Neal and I in this life changing life style change that we are embarking on. We are so grateful. I love each of you. Thank you to my family which I have been distant from to focus on me. Thank you to my friends that are so emotionally supportive with your kind words and encouraging me. To my momma for always telling me that I am beautiful, strong and for loving me for good and bad through thick and thin! To my husband for making me stronger, for loving me, for the fights we get in, for always loving me no matter what my outside looks life, for supporting my habits and always spoiling me, for the reminder that going to the gym is going is going to get us to our ultimate goal, thank you for becoming the man that God intends for you to be. I am not the person that I want to be and thank you for waiting and walking beside me until I get there. Thank you God for helping me get through what some may say could have been impossible. Not just this weight loss journey but the cancer, heart break etc... Thank you for being the FATHER that I need and being so forgiving... I love you God more than I could ever express in writing!
So I will try to blog more... I hope that this does NOT offend anyone ... If it has I am sorry. These are my choices, views and opinions NO ONE ELSE'S...
LOVE YOU ALL ~~~~ LIZZY
ps... Just like Jennifer Hudson (singer) said that " I am and always will be a work in progress. Always fighting life as a "big girl" is something that you will never forget BUT I now KNOW what I have to do to maintain a healthy life style and not starve myself. I can still enjoy everything in life just in moderation and substation" THANK YOU JENNIFER HUDSON for this... I have been saying this throughout the last 7 months! This is so true and I LOVE it!!!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Its been a while... Updates
Well its been a while since I have wrote anything on my blog. Honestly I have been trying to figure out everything to write because I have so many prayer warriors and people that were concerned. So let me go back to the beginning of April when I met with my new Oncologist Dr. Rolland Barrett . I just have to put a little nugget in here that he is a fabulous doctor he and his staff are wonderful.
I met with Dr. Barrett and his staff regarding what to do and how to do it. We decided to have robotic partial hysterectomy. There were other options such as chemo and or radiation pills etc... and to be honest I just wanted the cancer out. Yes it was stage 1 and lowest stage you could have but lets be realistic here... how many times does cancer come back in the uterus area if you do radiation or freezing? It comes back in about 85% of all patients and I didn't want that. Neal and I had already been through it all from stage 1 of fertility issues to IVF. I was ready to be DONE I believe we were both ready as a matter of face. So with that being said we scheduled the surgery for April 26th.
After getting everything cleared with work , insurance, time off and making arrangements for my mom to be here to help me I was a little more at peace. I will say in the back of my mind I was a little scared that we were not doing the right thing. I was honestly on the fence but I knew it was the devil. I kept praying and asking God to give me peace that we were doing what we needed to do. Cause in the end I need to and want to be here on earth. There was and is a purpose for me here.
The day before my surgery was horrible I was on a liquid diet and had to take muralx it wasn't that bad but made me hate Gatorade even more lol. I pretty much stayed home all day and prayed and well fasted to be honest just meditating on me , God , Neal and our health and our future.
The next morning we had to be at the hospital at 6am. We got there a few minutes late . I then filled out paper work and was called back. I was a little nervous and hungry was an understatement. I literally lost 6 lbs from Sunday to Tuesday morning. I think it was the fast lol So I was starving all I could think about was eating. My mother and Neal took me to the hospital and was there with me the entire time. My pastor Terry was there the entire time as well. He came in and prayed over me and my doctor and the whole process! It was a very peaceful morning after that. I had no fear or worries and I thank God for giving me that peace.
From what I was told the surgery took about 2.5-3 hours and most of that was positioning. If your not familiar with how I had to lay you are more than welcome to research that but basically I was standing on my head lol.
So after words in recovery I work up and THANK GOD i felt no pain. I just remember being really puffy and bloated from the co2 that they used to in large my tummy to gain access to the uterus. I had to stay in recovery for an hour or so before they moved into my room. I am not really sure what I said or did but I remember my sister, mom, Neal pastor terry, jennifer and I believe that was it was there. I do remember my friend Tammie, Jamie, aunt jj, bammaw, father in law , grandmaw younts and my father coming to visit even if I don't remember everything I do remember who was there. It was so NICE to have everyone come visit, call , facebook and text. I will say I felt the best that I felt in a long time maybe it was the drugs ...
That evening Dr Barrett came and visited and said the surgery went really well and the rest of my results will come back in the next few days and he said just to rest and I could go home in the morning as long as everything checked out by then. So that evening my friend HERA( Heather) made me the most AMAZING meal ever! I was so spoiled I had a huge fillet, potatoes, i believe a green of some sort, crab dip and chips and creme brulee(sp?)!!! It was as amazing as it sounded! YUM Thanks my sweet heather!
So that night was a tad bit interesting. Neal couldn't sleep well at all on the plastic bed lol... And well I had these things on my legs to where I couldn't move at all good and they were there for me not to have blood clots... as soon as I could walk they could come off and that was around 1230am!! Then finally around 530am the catheter was out and I basically was ready to leave! But had to wait for Dr. Rollands rounds. I only needed pain medication around 1230 and 3am so that was good. I literally didn't feel ton of pain only at spots where the incisions were. If you are not familiar with the procedure I have four small incisions where the tools were put in for the surgery and I could really twice or move up and down well I just had to remember to go slow.
So around 9am mom came and picked me up Neal had to go to work. We stopped by Sheets washed the car got a yummy drink and went home and I believe I slept most of the day.
Mom was FABULOUS she did all the cooking, cleaning and laundry I didn't have to do anything. I was on pain meds but did not have to take as much as was expected. I honestly felt that I could get up and do stuff. I believe I even tried lol. Mom left around 9 days out and I was SO sad cause I was moody and not the best person to be around but mother loves me no matter what. I also missed my laundry and house being done cause we all know mothers are the best cleaners. Love you momma! Neal & Alietha took over her duties when she left. Thanks Alietha for all your help, running around , cooking and helping love ya sis!
That's all about the surgery and afterwards in a nut shell. I will be honest I have had my moments where I am really sad and depressed but then I think "WHY" God saved my life by this coming up. No one wants the " C" word. I mean really I am 29 who would have thought? However to me you need to make the best of your life no matter what is going on. I love God and thank Him daily for the blessings he has given me. I am not sure why I got it and had to go this road but that's not for me to know. I just have to keep my head strong and know that God has bigger plans for me and that I may not know the future God already knows it.
I am so at peace with life and the "issues" that I have had. I still love being around babies and kids. I am not bitter as I felt that I would be. I am not jealous over others that are pregnant and or want to be and can be because I have said that I am a child of God and he has not forgotten me.
I have been asked the question " What next" Well here it goes. Neal and I want to be parents with every part of our hearts. We know we now have unlimited options and more than we did before. Besides having a baby biologically I know that we can and will be parents regardless of if I can give birth or not. So here are our options. 1) Surrogacy 2) Adoption. We have prayed and ask God to direct us on which way to go. Right now the cancer, surgery and just getting out lives back to a normal(lol) routine is something we are working on. We are working on each other and our relationship. We are focusing on our business and getting things going for the future. We also would like to eventually build or buy a house. Now that IVF is out of the question for us we are trying to figure out what and which direction to go in. Neal wants our options as having a surrogate and I want to look into adoptions so there for its up in there air. Whatever we decide with God will be the right choice for us. Until then we will enjoy our nieces and nephew and all our other friends kids and most important we will enjoy each other.
To all that read this and have supported and prayed for us and "our little blessing" please keep praying and believing that it will happen cause I have NO DOUBT that it will.
We love you all and Thank you will never be enough...
Love Neal & Elizabeth
I met with Dr. Barrett and his staff regarding what to do and how to do it. We decided to have robotic partial hysterectomy. There were other options such as chemo and or radiation pills etc... and to be honest I just wanted the cancer out. Yes it was stage 1 and lowest stage you could have but lets be realistic here... how many times does cancer come back in the uterus area if you do radiation or freezing? It comes back in about 85% of all patients and I didn't want that. Neal and I had already been through it all from stage 1 of fertility issues to IVF. I was ready to be DONE I believe we were both ready as a matter of face. So with that being said we scheduled the surgery for April 26th.
After getting everything cleared with work , insurance, time off and making arrangements for my mom to be here to help me I was a little more at peace. I will say in the back of my mind I was a little scared that we were not doing the right thing. I was honestly on the fence but I knew it was the devil. I kept praying and asking God to give me peace that we were doing what we needed to do. Cause in the end I need to and want to be here on earth. There was and is a purpose for me here.
The day before my surgery was horrible I was on a liquid diet and had to take muralx it wasn't that bad but made me hate Gatorade even more lol. I pretty much stayed home all day and prayed and well fasted to be honest just meditating on me , God , Neal and our health and our future.
The next morning we had to be at the hospital at 6am. We got there a few minutes late . I then filled out paper work and was called back. I was a little nervous and hungry was an understatement. I literally lost 6 lbs from Sunday to Tuesday morning. I think it was the fast lol So I was starving all I could think about was eating. My mother and Neal took me to the hospital and was there with me the entire time. My pastor Terry was there the entire time as well. He came in and prayed over me and my doctor and the whole process! It was a very peaceful morning after that. I had no fear or worries and I thank God for giving me that peace.
From what I was told the surgery took about 2.5-3 hours and most of that was positioning. If your not familiar with how I had to lay you are more than welcome to research that but basically I was standing on my head lol.
So after words in recovery I work up and THANK GOD i felt no pain. I just remember being really puffy and bloated from the co2 that they used to in large my tummy to gain access to the uterus. I had to stay in recovery for an hour or so before they moved into my room. I am not really sure what I said or did but I remember my sister, mom, Neal pastor terry, jennifer and I believe that was it was there. I do remember my friend Tammie, Jamie, aunt jj, bammaw, father in law , grandmaw younts and my father coming to visit even if I don't remember everything I do remember who was there. It was so NICE to have everyone come visit, call , facebook and text. I will say I felt the best that I felt in a long time maybe it was the drugs ...
That evening Dr Barrett came and visited and said the surgery went really well and the rest of my results will come back in the next few days and he said just to rest and I could go home in the morning as long as everything checked out by then. So that evening my friend HERA( Heather) made me the most AMAZING meal ever! I was so spoiled I had a huge fillet, potatoes, i believe a green of some sort, crab dip and chips and creme brulee(sp?)!!! It was as amazing as it sounded! YUM Thanks my sweet heather!
So that night was a tad bit interesting. Neal couldn't sleep well at all on the plastic bed lol... And well I had these things on my legs to where I couldn't move at all good and they were there for me not to have blood clots... as soon as I could walk they could come off and that was around 1230am!! Then finally around 530am the catheter was out and I basically was ready to leave! But had to wait for Dr. Rollands rounds. I only needed pain medication around 1230 and 3am so that was good. I literally didn't feel ton of pain only at spots where the incisions were. If you are not familiar with the procedure I have four small incisions where the tools were put in for the surgery and I could really twice or move up and down well I just had to remember to go slow.
So around 9am mom came and picked me up Neal had to go to work. We stopped by Sheets washed the car got a yummy drink and went home and I believe I slept most of the day.
Mom was FABULOUS she did all the cooking, cleaning and laundry I didn't have to do anything. I was on pain meds but did not have to take as much as was expected. I honestly felt that I could get up and do stuff. I believe I even tried lol. Mom left around 9 days out and I was SO sad cause I was moody and not the best person to be around but mother loves me no matter what. I also missed my laundry and house being done cause we all know mothers are the best cleaners. Love you momma! Neal & Alietha took over her duties when she left. Thanks Alietha for all your help, running around , cooking and helping love ya sis!
That's all about the surgery and afterwards in a nut shell. I will be honest I have had my moments where I am really sad and depressed but then I think "WHY" God saved my life by this coming up. No one wants the " C" word. I mean really I am 29 who would have thought? However to me you need to make the best of your life no matter what is going on. I love God and thank Him daily for the blessings he has given me. I am not sure why I got it and had to go this road but that's not for me to know. I just have to keep my head strong and know that God has bigger plans for me and that I may not know the future God already knows it.
I am so at peace with life and the "issues" that I have had. I still love being around babies and kids. I am not bitter as I felt that I would be. I am not jealous over others that are pregnant and or want to be and can be because I have said that I am a child of God and he has not forgotten me.
I have been asked the question " What next" Well here it goes. Neal and I want to be parents with every part of our hearts. We know we now have unlimited options and more than we did before. Besides having a baby biologically I know that we can and will be parents regardless of if I can give birth or not. So here are our options. 1) Surrogacy 2) Adoption. We have prayed and ask God to direct us on which way to go. Right now the cancer, surgery and just getting out lives back to a normal(lol) routine is something we are working on. We are working on each other and our relationship. We are focusing on our business and getting things going for the future. We also would like to eventually build or buy a house. Now that IVF is out of the question for us we are trying to figure out what and which direction to go in. Neal wants our options as having a surrogate and I want to look into adoptions so there for its up in there air. Whatever we decide with God will be the right choice for us. Until then we will enjoy our nieces and nephew and all our other friends kids and most important we will enjoy each other.
To all that read this and have supported and prayed for us and "our little blessing" please keep praying and believing that it will happen cause I have NO DOUBT that it will.
We love you all and Thank you will never be enough...
Love Neal & Elizabeth
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Update
This a blog that I would Never be typing and honestly one that I have been dreading and putting off for days. I wanted to write it Wednesday but I just couldn't. This is going to be the hardest blog to write and honestly probably for most of you to read.
So the last update was the DNC I believe.. We were waiting on the results for the pathology report. Here it goes...
So Neal and I were waiting for the results which seem like they were taking forever!! Monday Morning March 7th 2011 will be a day that I will NEVER forget. I was sitting at work of course wondering if I would get my results or not. It was 3:00pm and my work phone rang and I saw that it was Dr. Deatons which is my fertility doctor (I will be mentioning several doctors so I will refer who they are. My heart stopped for a moment because either this was really good new or news that could change our lives forever. He said that he had several appointments that afternoon so he couldn't see me but he had my results and I could either come in Tuesday or he could share them over the phone with me. I was like "heck no I want them now" So he proceeded to tell me that the pathologist sent my report to wake forest cancer center as well as the cancer center at Mass. Medical Center as well. Right then I felt that I couldn't breath I didn't want him to tell me anything else because I feared what he was going to say. He asked me if I was ok and I said yes please continue. He said that being said. Here is your results. You have Complex Hyperplasia of the Cervix (which I was diagnosed with 5 years ago and we decided to continue with fertility with the hopes that the medication would make it go away) I said ok being that I felt that was still there. He took a deep breath and I knew the next words coming out of his mouth was not good. He started out saying " I never thought it could be this but you also have Stage 1 Endometrial Cancer" My heart stopped and I felt that my heart was ripped out of my chest. Now reading that I am having a hard time but I will continue. I just was shocked. Mind you I was at work and all my wonderful co workers knew I was waiting for this call and when I started crying I believe most of them knew something was up. I didn't know what to say or how to react. I felt well to be honest numb... like I didn't know what to say. All I was thinking is the C word no one wants the C word ever in their life. Dr Deaton was wonderful he said are you are ok? I said I guess being that I didn't know what to say or how to react. So I then asked "What do we do now" He then proceeded to tell me the rest of what the report said which I have a copy but I didn't understand it all but now I do. He told me that I had two options. 1- chemo , wow to think that I would ever have to go through that I was shocked at that and he said there were other hormone therapy's that Neal and I could try. I said whats option two. He said a hysterectomy. I about dropped the phone. Hysterectomy at 29 and I have always wanted to have a child physically on my own and have tried for 6 years to have on and now my options are chemo or hysterectomy. I asked him what we my chances of having child after chemo he said maybe 20% . I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was in total shock. So as my doctor and my friend I wanted his opinion and his guidance into what to do next. He said that it was Neal and I mine choice and one that we would have to make together. But if he were my father and Neal and I were 100% sure we would like to adopt that he would tell me to have the hysterectomy because the chances after therapy are slim and cancer is a 95% for sure getting all the cancer out. So after crying more and asking tons of questions I got off the phone and I will balling and still in shock and not knowing what to do. I had all my friends at work there for me and felt really loved and supported. I needed to tell Neal and who wants to hear that news over the phone but I told him of course he was crying I was crying it was just so unexpected. We hung up with just this sense of questions. Then I had to tell my mommy. This was hard because she is my biggest besides Neal fan of the fertility and just a fantastic cheerleader and I know that she feared the C word as much as I did. However she took it way better than I thought. She was strong for me and knew I needed that. She just wants it out and me better. It was hard but she was wonderful. I then told the rest of our families and few of our closest friends. That was hard but everyone was shocked, but dealt well because they love us and support whatever we decide to do.
So on the way home I cried loudly in the car! I just did not understand why me? AGAIN? Why am I hit with this mac truck? Why did I have to have cancer, why did having a child be taken away from me, Why why why?? God and I had a long conversation. I know he didn't give it to me but my wondering was why didn't he prevent ME from having it. I was so selfish at that moment but felt it was ok.
I got home and Neal was laying down and he just held me I was crying he was crying. It was a moment that we never wanted to be faced with. The decision of chemo or hysterectomy. We both wanted it out and knew we could eventually adopt so we decided that I will have a hysterectomy. I NEVER thought I would be saying that. We prayed and Lord knows I prayed more to God cause I didn't want to have a hard heart I didn't want to be bitter at the world, bitter at all my friends that were pregnant, bitter at my friends babies, I am not a bitter person I knew at that moment that God was giving me peace to be a stronger person. I am a fighter and WE Neal and I could do this.
We decided the hysterectomy would be best...
I am very heart broken and sad. God knows my heart he knew that I always wanted to have a child physically. He knew that I wanted to be called mommy and Neal to be called daddy. He knew that I wanted to have a nursery and to do all the things new mommies do. He also knows there is a baby out there that needs Neal and I. He knows that we have so much love to give that any child will be lucky to have us. I still don't understand the whys but that is not for me to understand. I just asked got to heal my hurt and pain that He knows I don't want to change. I want to change for the better.
Some people may wonder how I can just be normal and act like nothing is going on. Because my God is BIGGER THAN the C word. God has given Neal and I the understanding that for such a time as this that He is going to open more doors for us ! Ones that we never imagined. I am not saying that I do not get sad or upset I do I would be lying if I didn't. I also know that I just pray hard when those days come AND I am sure that I will have more to comes.
So where do we go from here... The scary word Oncologist. I know I freaked out when I was told that. However I will not waste mine or your time reading about the first Oncologist that we seen because he was a big fat waste of time. Dr Deaton is going to refer me to one that he knows personally. The other Oncologist I seen was referd to me by Dr Lewis my regular obgyn. So needless to say I will be writing a blog soon about when and where my surgery will be.
This is life changing but not for the worse . I see this as Gods way of letting me have closure from the fertility battle that we have battled for 6 years and now I can honestly say. We tried EVERYTHING. I prayed to God for an answer. I was becoming so exhausted from the emotional, physical , mental roller coaster that we were on. Some women out there say they battled fertility and I understand not getting pregnant when you want to is emotional but I wanna say " sweetie you have no idea " or someone that tried for a little while and had to take clomid or femera and then got pregnant off that it was emotional but I wanna say " You got pregnant didn't you ? You have NO idea" I was begging God please tell us what to do and help me not be bitter. If we are not suppose to continue this battle show me. We I had no idea it would be this and not saying God gave this to me he didn't. I am simply saying that God is allowing me to STOP and have such a peace of mind that I know God could only give us. I know its God cause if I didn't have Jesus in my heart I would such a bitter human right now.
So with all this said... We thank each of you for the prayers, support, talks, encouraging word everything that each of you have done for us we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We love you guys so much...
Whats next... Adoption or Surrogacy
We are not sure when, where, how but we need to get through this before we can concentrate on adoption or surrogacy. We do know that we want to do that and we are just praying that God directs us where we need to go and how we need to go about it.
I will keep you guys posted! We love you guys and until next blog!
Love the Younts'
So the last update was the DNC I believe.. We were waiting on the results for the pathology report. Here it goes...
So Neal and I were waiting for the results which seem like they were taking forever!! Monday Morning March 7th 2011 will be a day that I will NEVER forget. I was sitting at work of course wondering if I would get my results or not. It was 3:00pm and my work phone rang and I saw that it was Dr. Deatons which is my fertility doctor (I will be mentioning several doctors so I will refer who they are. My heart stopped for a moment because either this was really good new or news that could change our lives forever. He said that he had several appointments that afternoon so he couldn't see me but he had my results and I could either come in Tuesday or he could share them over the phone with me. I was like "heck no I want them now" So he proceeded to tell me that the pathologist sent my report to wake forest cancer center as well as the cancer center at Mass. Medical Center as well. Right then I felt that I couldn't breath I didn't want him to tell me anything else because I feared what he was going to say. He asked me if I was ok and I said yes please continue. He said that being said. Here is your results. You have Complex Hyperplasia of the Cervix (which I was diagnosed with 5 years ago and we decided to continue with fertility with the hopes that the medication would make it go away) I said ok being that I felt that was still there. He took a deep breath and I knew the next words coming out of his mouth was not good. He started out saying " I never thought it could be this but you also have Stage 1 Endometrial Cancer" My heart stopped and I felt that my heart was ripped out of my chest. Now reading that I am having a hard time but I will continue. I just was shocked. Mind you I was at work and all my wonderful co workers knew I was waiting for this call and when I started crying I believe most of them knew something was up. I didn't know what to say or how to react. I felt well to be honest numb... like I didn't know what to say. All I was thinking is the C word no one wants the C word ever in their life. Dr Deaton was wonderful he said are you are ok? I said I guess being that I didn't know what to say or how to react. So I then asked "What do we do now" He then proceeded to tell me the rest of what the report said which I have a copy but I didn't understand it all but now I do. He told me that I had two options. 1- chemo , wow to think that I would ever have to go through that I was shocked at that and he said there were other hormone therapy's that Neal and I could try. I said whats option two. He said a hysterectomy. I about dropped the phone. Hysterectomy at 29 and I have always wanted to have a child physically on my own and have tried for 6 years to have on and now my options are chemo or hysterectomy. I asked him what we my chances of having child after chemo he said maybe 20% . I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was in total shock. So as my doctor and my friend I wanted his opinion and his guidance into what to do next. He said that it was Neal and I mine choice and one that we would have to make together. But if he were my father and Neal and I were 100% sure we would like to adopt that he would tell me to have the hysterectomy because the chances after therapy are slim and cancer is a 95% for sure getting all the cancer out. So after crying more and asking tons of questions I got off the phone and I will balling and still in shock and not knowing what to do. I had all my friends at work there for me and felt really loved and supported. I needed to tell Neal and who wants to hear that news over the phone but I told him of course he was crying I was crying it was just so unexpected. We hung up with just this sense of questions. Then I had to tell my mommy. This was hard because she is my biggest besides Neal fan of the fertility and just a fantastic cheerleader and I know that she feared the C word as much as I did. However she took it way better than I thought. She was strong for me and knew I needed that. She just wants it out and me better. It was hard but she was wonderful. I then told the rest of our families and few of our closest friends. That was hard but everyone was shocked, but dealt well because they love us and support whatever we decide to do.
So on the way home I cried loudly in the car! I just did not understand why me? AGAIN? Why am I hit with this mac truck? Why did I have to have cancer, why did having a child be taken away from me, Why why why?? God and I had a long conversation. I know he didn't give it to me but my wondering was why didn't he prevent ME from having it. I was so selfish at that moment but felt it was ok.
I got home and Neal was laying down and he just held me I was crying he was crying. It was a moment that we never wanted to be faced with. The decision of chemo or hysterectomy. We both wanted it out and knew we could eventually adopt so we decided that I will have a hysterectomy. I NEVER thought I would be saying that. We prayed and Lord knows I prayed more to God cause I didn't want to have a hard heart I didn't want to be bitter at the world, bitter at all my friends that were pregnant, bitter at my friends babies, I am not a bitter person I knew at that moment that God was giving me peace to be a stronger person. I am a fighter and WE Neal and I could do this.
We decided the hysterectomy would be best...
I am very heart broken and sad. God knows my heart he knew that I always wanted to have a child physically. He knew that I wanted to be called mommy and Neal to be called daddy. He knew that I wanted to have a nursery and to do all the things new mommies do. He also knows there is a baby out there that needs Neal and I. He knows that we have so much love to give that any child will be lucky to have us. I still don't understand the whys but that is not for me to understand. I just asked got to heal my hurt and pain that He knows I don't want to change. I want to change for the better.
Some people may wonder how I can just be normal and act like nothing is going on. Because my God is BIGGER THAN the C word. God has given Neal and I the understanding that for such a time as this that He is going to open more doors for us ! Ones that we never imagined. I am not saying that I do not get sad or upset I do I would be lying if I didn't. I also know that I just pray hard when those days come AND I am sure that I will have more to comes.
So where do we go from here... The scary word Oncologist. I know I freaked out when I was told that. However I will not waste mine or your time reading about the first Oncologist that we seen because he was a big fat waste of time. Dr Deaton is going to refer me to one that he knows personally. The other Oncologist I seen was referd to me by Dr Lewis my regular obgyn. So needless to say I will be writing a blog soon about when and where my surgery will be.
This is life changing but not for the worse . I see this as Gods way of letting me have closure from the fertility battle that we have battled for 6 years and now I can honestly say. We tried EVERYTHING. I prayed to God for an answer. I was becoming so exhausted from the emotional, physical , mental roller coaster that we were on. Some women out there say they battled fertility and I understand not getting pregnant when you want to is emotional but I wanna say " sweetie you have no idea " or someone that tried for a little while and had to take clomid or femera and then got pregnant off that it was emotional but I wanna say " You got pregnant didn't you ? You have NO idea" I was begging God please tell us what to do and help me not be bitter. If we are not suppose to continue this battle show me. We I had no idea it would be this and not saying God gave this to me he didn't. I am simply saying that God is allowing me to STOP and have such a peace of mind that I know God could only give us. I know its God cause if I didn't have Jesus in my heart I would such a bitter human right now.
So with all this said... We thank each of you for the prayers, support, talks, encouraging word everything that each of you have done for us we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We love you guys so much...
Whats next... Adoption or Surrogacy
We are not sure when, where, how but we need to get through this before we can concentrate on adoption or surrogacy. We do know that we want to do that and we are just praying that God directs us where we need to go and how we need to go about it.
I will keep you guys posted! We love you guys and until next blog!
Love the Younts'
Friday, March 4, 2011
Keeping you updated...
So today is the day that I was suppose to start another round of IVF well it is not going to happen, lets go back to Monday...
Monday morning Neal and I had to be at Forsyth Hospital at 6:00am for my surgery which most of you know that are reading this was a DNC. Now most DNC are quick and and easy and done in 25 minutes. Well as you all know by now NOTHING goes normal with me. Which as I have been told I am special all my life I am starting to believe that I am more special and so is my unique body or the way it chooses to operate. So I wont go into the details of the surgery you can read online what happens . I will tell you that an epidural is easy as pie. I barley felt him put the needle in but I did feel the medication go in only because 5 seconds later I didn't realize I had a lower body which was kinda strange and weird. Anyway Surgery took 40 min and recovery was over 3 and half hours! I finally got to get up and use the bath room was a fantastic feeling! Anyway Dr. Lewis (which ladies he is by far way hotter than McSteamy on Grays) he said that everything went well and that he sent my lining to the pathologist. Afterwards Neal and I went to meet my nurse sister Alietha and my niece Sarah. They were taking care of me since I had to be watched for 24 hours after the epidural and surgery. We ate then I went home and slept most of the day.
That evening my back and hips were killing me. I was kinda confused as to why but just thought it may have been the epidural side effects. I just took more pain medication and that helped. Tuesday I woke up in sever back and hip pain again. I then called the doctor and she said that Dr. Lewis had to raise the stirrups more (cause he is tall and I am tall) during surgery so there was more pressure on my back and hips. Hence that's where the pain is coming from. She also told me it would be a couple days for my report from the pathologist to come back which that was totally fine.
I finally came back to work on Wednesday and hoping and praying to have answers by Wednesday because we all were wanting to start IVF cycle Friday. Well I got a call from Dr. Lewis office and I thought THANK GOD no more waiting. However it wasn't the call I wanted! Dr. Lewis spoke with the pathologist and she said that there was no way she could get the report back to us by Friday being that she had to send it off to get a second opinion and special die on some of the cells. Now I know what you guys are thinking " What could it be?, Why are they testing for more? Could it be the C word? " There are a million questions that ran through my head that day. Feelings of doubt, frustration, aggravation. The unknown. The nurse at Dr. Lewis office told me that the pathologist just wants to be really through before her diagnosis. So I said OK and immediately called Dr. Deaton my fertility doctors office to speak with Angela. Dr. Deaton is out of the office this week so she is the one that I spoke with. She was aware of what the pathologist said and we had to make the decision that at this time since we do not know the results we had to both agree to stop the IVF for March. I was devastated however I have to make sure that I am OK and healthy enough to carry a baby. End the end that's my ultimate goal here, but how can I carry a baby IF there is anything negative. So no IVF this month.
I had a little break down at work. Most of you don't see me all the time or hang around me enough to know that I am strong, I usually don't show emotion and I go with the punches. I just pray allot and as God to give me the strength to handle anything that comes in our way. I know that God paid the ultimate sacrifice for me when He died on the cross so that I don't have to have pain, suffering. I am not sure why this is having to happen to us and why I have to well it seems always something come up when we are headed into IVF or in the middle of IVF. I don't have those answers. I just pray that God opens my heart and mind to understand the unknown and to know that NO MATTER what comes up He is ALWAYS there. God and I have had some heart to heart talks more this week then before. He knows I am stubborn and I strong and knows how much I can handle. It goes back to that saying" I know God will not give me more than I can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much"
So here we are in the waiting game again. I will hopefully find out the results next week and as we will go from there. Neal and I have prayed and talked and prayed some more. How we will go about doing things, what we will do next, What are our other options, keeping an open mind and heart to hear Gods word to direct us in the next steps. Until then we will pray and seek God, fill our hearts and mind with positive words, encourage each other, listen to our favorite 94.1 KLove, read The Word.
Please keep us in your prayers as the unknown is the worse but we know that God is our comfort! We love each of you and thank you guys for your constant prayer and standing in the Gap for whatever will come our way!
Love you all
The Younts'
Monday morning Neal and I had to be at Forsyth Hospital at 6:00am for my surgery which most of you know that are reading this was a DNC. Now most DNC are quick and and easy and done in 25 minutes. Well as you all know by now NOTHING goes normal with me. Which as I have been told I am special all my life I am starting to believe that I am more special and so is my unique body or the way it chooses to operate. So I wont go into the details of the surgery you can read online what happens . I will tell you that an epidural is easy as pie. I barley felt him put the needle in but I did feel the medication go in only because 5 seconds later I didn't realize I had a lower body which was kinda strange and weird. Anyway Surgery took 40 min and recovery was over 3 and half hours! I finally got to get up and use the bath room was a fantastic feeling! Anyway Dr. Lewis (which ladies he is by far way hotter than McSteamy on Grays) he said that everything went well and that he sent my lining to the pathologist. Afterwards Neal and I went to meet my nurse sister Alietha and my niece Sarah. They were taking care of me since I had to be watched for 24 hours after the epidural and surgery. We ate then I went home and slept most of the day.
That evening my back and hips were killing me. I was kinda confused as to why but just thought it may have been the epidural side effects. I just took more pain medication and that helped. Tuesday I woke up in sever back and hip pain again. I then called the doctor and she said that Dr. Lewis had to raise the stirrups more (cause he is tall and I am tall) during surgery so there was more pressure on my back and hips. Hence that's where the pain is coming from. She also told me it would be a couple days for my report from the pathologist to come back which that was totally fine.
I finally came back to work on Wednesday and hoping and praying to have answers by Wednesday because we all were wanting to start IVF cycle Friday. Well I got a call from Dr. Lewis office and I thought THANK GOD no more waiting. However it wasn't the call I wanted! Dr. Lewis spoke with the pathologist and she said that there was no way she could get the report back to us by Friday being that she had to send it off to get a second opinion and special die on some of the cells. Now I know what you guys are thinking " What could it be?, Why are they testing for more? Could it be the C word? " There are a million questions that ran through my head that day. Feelings of doubt, frustration, aggravation. The unknown. The nurse at Dr. Lewis office told me that the pathologist just wants to be really through before her diagnosis. So I said OK and immediately called Dr. Deaton my fertility doctors office to speak with Angela. Dr. Deaton is out of the office this week so she is the one that I spoke with. She was aware of what the pathologist said and we had to make the decision that at this time since we do not know the results we had to both agree to stop the IVF for March. I was devastated however I have to make sure that I am OK and healthy enough to carry a baby. End the end that's my ultimate goal here, but how can I carry a baby IF there is anything negative. So no IVF this month.
I had a little break down at work. Most of you don't see me all the time or hang around me enough to know that I am strong, I usually don't show emotion and I go with the punches. I just pray allot and as God to give me the strength to handle anything that comes in our way. I know that God paid the ultimate sacrifice for me when He died on the cross so that I don't have to have pain, suffering. I am not sure why this is having to happen to us and why I have to well it seems always something come up when we are headed into IVF or in the middle of IVF. I don't have those answers. I just pray that God opens my heart and mind to understand the unknown and to know that NO MATTER what comes up He is ALWAYS there. God and I have had some heart to heart talks more this week then before. He knows I am stubborn and I strong and knows how much I can handle. It goes back to that saying" I know God will not give me more than I can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much"
So here we are in the waiting game again. I will hopefully find out the results next week and as we will go from there. Neal and I have prayed and talked and prayed some more. How we will go about doing things, what we will do next, What are our other options, keeping an open mind and heart to hear Gods word to direct us in the next steps. Until then we will pray and seek God, fill our hearts and mind with positive words, encourage each other, listen to our favorite 94.1 KLove, read The Word.
Please keep us in your prayers as the unknown is the worse but we know that God is our comfort! We love each of you and thank you guys for your constant prayer and standing in the Gap for whatever will come our way!
Love you all
The Younts'
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