I have been wanting to write a blog for a little while now. I have been trying to put into words the feelings I have been feeling. However lately its been really hard for me. After my surgery which I can NOT believe will be 2 years in a few months I still had the desire to be a mother. Now don't get me wrong. I still love babies and children. I have a special place for all the children in my life. I just wonder if I am meant to be a mother. They say things happen for a reason in life. I find that to be more true now than I ever believed it before.
Its now physically impossible for me to ever carry a child. I will never know that feeling. We still have the chance to have a biological child. We have prayed and prayed about this over the past year and half. At one point we were ready to start the process of a surrogate. Things were just not falling into place. Nothing seem to go as planned so we have backed off from that. Surrogate is very complicated and to find someone to carry our baby is the hardest part. I am a control freak and I really have to pray long and hard about the person we are asking to carry our baby.
We get told all the time " You're not getting any younger" " You're not spring chicken" " The older you get the harder its going to be" Those statements honestly just piss me off. I may not be getting any younger. DUH That is the cycle of life right? I am not a spring Chicken? Well I am no old cow either HA. I know the older I get it may be harder as in physically? I think not. I believe you are as young as you feel. I am in the best shape of my life. I couldn't feel more better than I feel now. I think the older we are the wiser we will be. I know that there are people our age that cant afford to take their children out, pay for college, clothes and do things that I think we will be able to do being "well seasoned parents" Not saying that I wouldn't have LOVED to be a young parent like my parents were. HOWEVER I want to be able to give my kids a chance to do things in life that they might not have had if we would have had a baby when we were younger. Now don't go and get all huffy and puffy about me judging anyone for having kids at a young age. I am simply saying things happen for a reason.
Over the past 6 months Neal and I have had to have some heart to hearts about being parents. We hear all the time " you two will make great parents" "Our kids just love you two" You two are the best aunt and uncle that our kids can have" We LOVE hearing that. There is nothing sweeter than having my sister, family and friends tell us how much their children love us and that they trust us! We have asked our self " Do we want to bring a child into this world?" " Do we want to actually have the responsibilities of being parents" "Do we want children?" Now I know its hard for some of you to imagine me saying those or questioning being a parent. If you think about it someone that has been through what I have and or what Neal and I have been would you blame us? Look at the events that are happening in the world. What are we bringing our children into? I do not live in fear. I just know that there are certain things in life that I know that I can control. Bringing a child into this world and something happening I can not control. Its all in Gods hands I do realize that. N eal and I have a comfortable life. We come and go as we please and we enjoy it. Now if we had a child or children we would adjust to that as well. I just think that for now we are content to where we are. I still am young and we still have a whole future in front of us. Do I think we are being selfish? NO . Do I think that if we were to ask someone to carry our baby for us and bring a child into this world and be unsure that's what we even want now is selfish yes! So many people out there just want children or a child just to have one. Not for the fact that its a blessing and that God picked them to love for that child and unconditionally LOVE that child. I think its selfish for people to have kids to just so their only child wont be alone. That's what cousins, brothers and sisters, friends kids are for. I think that's selfish. I think its irresponsible to have children just "because" that's what society tells you. We should STOP living for what society tells us is right and start doing what is morally right in your mind. If its faith that gets you where you are in life then LIVE IT.
In my crazy life when I have made the choice to do something I always prayed for peace. That God show me a sign and or make things work out the way that God wanted them to because in the end I want His will to be done. All the big decisions in life have worked out. I believe that God wanted them to. I also am a firm believer that if its NOT in Gods will then it will happen on His timing not mine. For us being parents its just not our timing. I am not to say when the time or if the time will ever come. I am just tired of wondering the what ifs. I worried so much during all the times of the fertility battle. I made a vow to myself to live life. Live it to the fullest and be happy! In the end I don't want to look back at everything I missed because I couldn't live life. Life is literally to short.
A month ago 26 lives were taken and those kids and adults will never see tomorrow. They didn't have the choice but still they don't get it. A close friend of mine father passed away at 61 years old. He wont ever get to see his grandson grow up, graduate high school or get married. Another friend of mine son passes away just this morning at the age of 16. Randy will never see his son Ryan graduated high school, attend college, proms, weddings or have grandchild because God called Ryan home so young. These are events that I will never know why? I will never know why God knew these things were going to happen yet they still occurred? Why are there evil people in this world? Why does the devil seem to keep taking away young precious lives? Those questions only God knows the answers. Those are also reason why I will keep praying and asking God to give me that peace. Asking God to let me know if bringing a child into this world is just a selfish want and not what God planned?
I know this blog is kind of spastic. That's just a bunch of stuff going through my mind. I will try to blog more as this year is going to be busy and full of fun events!
With love
~Lizzy
Elizabeth I think you are an awesome writer! I loved reading your blog and even more I love how honest you are! I've had to learn the hard way, especially last year, if God say's no, it's because He has something bigger and better planned. I think you are an inspiration and can touch so many people with your wise words. Can't wait to read more of your blogs!!
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