Update

This a blog that I would Never be typing and honestly one that I have been dreading and putting off for days. I wanted to write it Wednesday but I just couldn't. This is going to be the hardest blog to write and honestly probably for most of you to read.

So the last update was the DNC I believe.. We were waiting on the results for the pathology report. Here it goes...

So Neal and I were waiting for the results which seem like they were taking forever!! Monday Morning March 7th 2011 will be a day that I will NEVER forget. I was sitting at work of course wondering if I would get my results or not. It was 3:00pm and my work phone rang and I saw that it was Dr. Deatons which is my fertility doctor (I will be mentioning several doctors so I will refer who they are. My heart stopped for a moment because either this was really good new or news that could change our lives forever. He said that he had several appointments that afternoon so he couldn't see me but he had my results and I could either come in Tuesday or he could share them over the phone with me. I was like "heck no I want them now" So he proceeded to tell me that the pathologist sent my report to wake forest cancer center as well as the cancer center at Mass. Medical Center as well. Right then I felt that I couldn't breath I didn't want him to tell me anything else because I feared what he was going to say. He asked me if I was ok and I said yes please continue. He said that being said. Here is your results. You have Complex Hyperplasia of the Cervix (which I was diagnosed with 5 years ago and we decided to continue with fertility with the hopes that the medication would make it go away) I said ok being that I felt that was still there. He took a deep breath and I knew the next words coming out of his mouth was not good. He started out saying " I never thought it could be this but you also have Stage 1 Endometrial Cancer" My heart stopped and I felt that my heart was ripped out of my chest. Now reading that I am having a hard time but I will continue. I just was shocked. Mind you I was at work and all my wonderful co workers knew I was waiting for this call and when I started crying I believe most of them knew something was up. I didn't know what to say or how to react. I felt well to be honest numb... like I didn't know what to say. All I was thinking is the C word no one wants the C word ever in their life. Dr Deaton was wonderful he said are you are ok? I said I guess being that I didn't know what to say or how to react. So I then asked "What do we do now" He then proceeded to tell me the rest of what the report said which I have a copy but I didn't understand it all but now I do. He told me that I had two options. 1- chemo , wow to think that I would ever have to go through that I was shocked at that and he said there were other hormone therapy's that Neal and I could try. I said whats option two. He said a hysterectomy. I about dropped the phone. Hysterectomy at 29 and I have always wanted to have a child physically on my own and have tried for 6 years to have on and now my options are chemo or hysterectomy. I asked him what we my chances of having child after chemo he said maybe 20% . I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was in total shock. So as my doctor and my friend I wanted his opinion and his guidance into what to do next. He said that it was Neal and I mine choice and one that we would have to make together. But if he were my father and Neal and I were 100% sure we would like to adopt that he would tell me to have the hysterectomy because the chances after therapy are slim and cancer is a 95% for sure getting all the cancer out. So after crying more and asking tons of questions I got off the phone and I will balling and still in shock and not knowing what to do. I had all my friends at work there for me and felt really loved and supported. I needed to tell Neal and who wants to hear that news over the phone but I told him of course he was crying I was crying it was just so unexpected. We hung up with just this sense of questions. Then I had to tell my mommy. This was hard because she is my biggest besides Neal fan of the fertility and just a fantastic cheerleader and I know that she feared the C word as much as I did. However she took it way better than I thought. She was strong for me and knew I needed that. She just wants it out and me better. It was hard but she was wonderful. I then told the rest of our families and few of our closest friends. That was hard but everyone was shocked, but dealt well because they love us and support whatever we decide to do.

So on the way home I cried loudly in the car! I just did not understand why me? AGAIN? Why am I hit with this mac truck? Why did I have to have cancer, why did having a child be taken away from me, Why why why?? God and I had a long conversation. I know he didn't give it to me but my wondering was why didn't he prevent ME from having it. I was so selfish at that moment but felt it was ok.

I got home and Neal was laying down and he just held me I was crying he was crying. It was a moment that we never wanted to be faced with. The decision of chemo or hysterectomy. We both wanted it out and knew we could eventually adopt so we decided that I will have a hysterectomy. I NEVER thought I would be saying that. We prayed and Lord knows I prayed more to God cause I didn't want to have a hard heart I didn't want to be bitter at the world, bitter at all my friends that were pregnant, bitter at my friends babies, I am not a bitter person I knew at that moment that God was giving me peace to be a stronger person. I am a fighter and WE Neal and I could do this.

We decided the hysterectomy would be best...


I am very heart broken and sad. God knows my heart he knew that I always wanted to have a child physically. He knew that I wanted to be called mommy and Neal to be called daddy. He knew that I wanted to have a nursery and to do all the things new mommies do. He also knows there is a baby out there that needs Neal and I. He knows that we have so much love to give that any child will be lucky to have us. I still don't understand the whys but that is not for me to understand. I just asked got to heal my hurt and pain that He knows I don't want to change. I want to change for the better.

Some people may wonder how I can just be normal and act like nothing is going on. Because my God is BIGGER THAN the C word. God has given Neal and I the understanding that for such a time as this that He is going to open more doors for us ! Ones that we never imagined. I am not saying that I do not get sad or upset I do I would be lying if I didn't. I also know that I just pray hard when those days come AND I am sure that I will have more to comes.

So where do we go from here... The scary word Oncologist. I know I freaked out when I was told that. However I will not waste mine or your time reading about the first Oncologist that we seen because he was a big fat waste of time. Dr Deaton is going to refer me to one that he knows personally. The other Oncologist I seen was referd to me by Dr Lewis my regular obgyn. So needless to say I will be writing a blog soon about when and where my surgery will be.

This is life changing but not for the worse . I see this as Gods way of letting me have closure from the fertility battle that we have battled for 6 years and now I can honestly say. We tried EVERYTHING. I prayed to God for an answer. I was becoming so exhausted from the emotional, physical , mental roller coaster that we were on. Some women out there say they battled fertility and I understand not getting pregnant when you want to is emotional but I wanna say " sweetie you have no idea " or someone that tried for a little while and had to take clomid or femera and then got pregnant off that it was emotional but I wanna say " You got pregnant didn't you ? You have NO idea" I was begging God please tell us what to do and help me not be bitter. If we are not suppose to continue this battle show me. We I had no idea it would be this and not saying God gave this to me he didn't. I am simply saying that God is allowing me to STOP and have such a peace of mind that I know God could only give us. I know its God cause if I didn't have Jesus in my heart I would such a bitter human right now.

So with all this said... We thank each of you for the prayers, support, talks, encouraging word everything that each of you have done for us we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We love you guys so much...

Whats next... Adoption or Surrogacy

We are not sure when, where, how but we need to get through this before we can concentrate on adoption or surrogacy. We do know that we want to do that and we are just praying that God directs us where we need to go and how we need to go about it.

I will keep you guys posted! We love you guys and until next blog!

Love the Younts'