Staying Positive...

Today as I sit her and think that today would have been the day to have found out if or IVF had worked, would we have become parents? Would I now be called mommy? And Neal daddy? I am not sad , depressed, frustrated or any of the other feelings that I had felt when I was told to stop the shots. I am at peace. At peace that with every day closer to " motherhood" weather its biologically or not I am at peace because God is the one that makes me feel that way. For so long in my life I have depended on myself and others to make me feel a certain way and no more! I am not saying that I wish things with the first round of IVF shots were not different I would be lying if I said that I am saying as of today 1/31/2011 I am at peace with having to wait to see what our next steps are.

The "roller coaster" ride that IVF is an understatement to say the least. I have ton of emotions towards IVF and other things. I have been up and down in my moods and feelings towards things have been up and down. I at times put on my "big girl" panties and smile and act as if nothing is wrong when if you really know me I was becoming broken. BUT NOT NOW!! I can not and will not become that person that they say so many women in my situation become. Gods will for Neal and I though we may not know but is like I have said before SO MUCH BIGGER and I will stand on my faith.

I do want to touch on one thing. If you read this then you probably have followed me through this journey so far and know that I say how I feel and if you feel different I am more than happy to discuss your feelings. I am not selfish when it comes to my friends and families feelings. I may not agree but I need to be an adult and mature when it comes to certain things. Say for one someone else getting pregnant. That's the touchiest thing that people assume bothers me. Or "Don't tell Lizzy you know she wants a baby and cant get pregnant" or "Lets wait to tell her cause we don't want to upset her" or "Lizzy may get jealous" . Let me set something straight. I am the most giving , loving person to anyone that is pregnant. I don't get jealous or mad because someone else is pregnant and I am not. I am so thankful that God allowed that person to have such a blessing to be able to get pregnant and start a family. Something that I pray for one day. I would never be jealous or mad about someone getting pregnant. Now if that person feels that way I would be very sad for the fact that they wouldn't want me to celebrate the special occasion with them as I know its a blessing from God. Another thing is if they hid it from me and wait to tell me later then I would kinda be upset not for the pregnancy part but because I would never want someone to keep that away from me. It only hurts me more that they didn't feel they could tell me. I want to celebrate with my friends. I want to be there for them. I will tell you since Neal and I have started our journey I think off the top of my head that 18 of my friends and family members have had babies and I have supported all them!

Anyway that was just a little nugget to add in there.

Neal and I are doing well. We are just in a waiting period now waiting for my cycle to start so we can start another round of shots. We are not sure what the next steps are and what my body is going to decide it wants to do but we are waiting.

We are doing stuff to our new little rent cabin and also looking at houses and decided where we want to build to buy. We don't want to make any large financial obligations with not knowing where IVF is going to take us. So we are content and happy in our little home. Neal has been painting downstairs to be able to finally have a living room! And we are going to buy our kitchen table this weekend from you guys know IKEA WOOP WOOP! I love that place!

I would like to just say one other thing. I love my husband. I love him for who he is and who is becoming. Neal is perfect for me. He may not be perfect but he is for me. He just gets me. He has his ways and boy is he stubborn but I love him for that. I love him for supporting me in every way from IVF to shopping habits. I love him for coming to the Lord and giving his life to God. We all are not perfect and make mistakes but with God anything is possible. I know that. Neal is such a passive at times and tender heart. He was raised by such great parents and family and I cant wait for him to become a father to our children so that our children will know the same love that Neal knew growing up . I love him for his unconditional love!

Ok I will stop this rambling ! Just wanted to update!

Love and Peace to all!!

Lizzy